I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
