I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
