shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
