She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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