i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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