I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
