I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
