i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
