I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
