this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
