he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
