Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We just shotgunned beers for America
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
