Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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