i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
