that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
