We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize