just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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