I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
