If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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