update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
