Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
