and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
