While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize