dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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