yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
