When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
