last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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