Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
