sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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