just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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