Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
