dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
