my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
