you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
