The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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