please come you make the beer taste better
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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