Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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