my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
