I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
