I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
