His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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