i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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