Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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