What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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