On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
When did angry sex become our thing?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
