By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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