I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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