Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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