My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
