I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
