He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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