that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
