i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
