i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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