she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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