My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize