Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I pour the whiskey from now on
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
