I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
