maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize