Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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