That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
