i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
